I Couldn't Make This Stuff Up

The second round of the Inane Question Olympics:*

What's worse, paper cut or stubbing your toe?
I suppose stubbing your toe on a piece of paper would be excruciating

How can get my 6 week old Guinea pigs to enjoy floor time more?
They probably get a little depressed when you putt them like golf balls. Dressing up like a clown might help distract them.

Would a good pizza qualify as a spiritual experience?
Anything I don't have to prepare or clean up is a spiritual experience

If u r told not to speak for 24 hours, can u do it?
ummm... no

Can I sue myself?
Why go to all that trouble? I'll sue you

Do u find people who answer questions and say dunno annoying?
Gee -- I dunno

HELP! Pretty please with a cherry on top and extra sprinkles and stuff? HELP, HELP, HELP! Will ya? Pleeeease?
Think this woman needs some help?

I have a republican girlfriend and I'm a liberal? HELP (I don't really like her)?
Do you wish she were more likable or more liberal?

Are 1.99 flip flops sexier than 200 dollar shoes?
Not to women

Are there real-life jobs or careers that resemble a Secret Agent -- Such as James Bond or Jason Bourne?
Why yes, I happen to be a secret agent myself

And this week's winner is:

I make lots of money, are you jealous of me?
No -- your extreme stupidity makes up for your excessive wealth


*And again, my apologies if you recognize yourself

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OMG! OMG! OMG! Can I Persuade This Woman to Come to My House?!

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These Days It Seems We Never Stay Home

The American Idol concert was much more enjoyable than I anticipated. Those guys and girls are GOOD -- I couldn't sing that well even in my imagination.

My kids and I are in San Diego for a week. Robespierre is attending sleepover Sea World camp with a couple of friends.

That's right -- sleepover camp at Sea World.

They have dorms with bunk beds. They get to go backstage and see how the animals are cared for. They get to dress in wet suits and slosh around in the bat ray pools. They get to go on a boogie boarding field trip at the beach. If camp had been like that when I was a kid I probably would have enjoyed it.

Not really.

Meanwhile, Cleopatra is at camp in the mornings and we pal around the rest of the time with our friends and each other. The first afternoon we had a girlie day -- lunch at Neiman Marcus, followed by a pedicure for her and a manicure for me, a chocolate freeze from Godiva, and a Hannah Montana shirt from Macy's (for her, not me). We've been to the beach twice, and last night we had fondue. The weather is way better than where we live; right now it's brain damage weather at home -- about 102 degrees and 98% humidity. Good grief!

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I'm Hyperventilating Because...

Miley Cyrus, aka Hannah Montana, is coming to town!

For all the uninitiated, ie parents of toddlers, or parents of boys, or, well, parents of anything other than seven-year-old girls, Miley Cyrus (Billy Ray Cyrus's 14-year-old daughter -- remember Billy Ray? he of the Achy Breaky Heart?), plays Hannah Montana on the Disney Channel. Hannah Montana is a "Teen Pop Sensation," who's really klutzy teenager "Miley Stewart" in disguise, as she's determined to maintain her friendships and typical, average Malibu-beach-house lifestyle. By day she attends middle school, battles the mean girls, salivates over the local teen movie star, and fights with her older brother.

But by night -- she dons an elaborate disguise consisting of a blond wig and, well, that's it actually, to become:

Hannah Montana
Teen Pop Sensation

Now, as I may have mentioned, I am the parent of a seven-year-old girl, who will become possessed and ballistic when she learns that Hannah Montana is coming here in the fall. Therefore, in self defense, and also because I think Miley Cyrus is adorable and really can sing (acting, not so much), I will come very close to selling my soul for good seats to this concert. This, in turn, will ensure my elevation to Best Mom in the World status, at least until the glow from the concert has worn off, which by my calculations should happen approximately one week post-concert.

I'll take what I can get. Besides, it's better than a poke in the eye, or Disney Princesses on Ice.

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I Lost Everything in the Crash of 2007

That sickening feeling when you press every button and the computer taunts you with a feeble beep. It's the realization of that unspeakable dream about taking a final exam for which you haven't studied and furthermore you thought you'd withdrawn from the class long before the deadline, yet there you are -- hanging out to dry, twisting in the wind.

And you experience the five stages of grief:

1. No! No, this can't be happening! Where's all my stuff?!
   
2. Pleaseohpleasephplease make this fix itself and I vow promise swear I'll back up every fifteen minutes for the rest of my life
3. I hate you, you stupid computer! Hate you hate you hate you!!! Bam bam bam!!
4. Oy. I can't take this. I have to go to bed for a week. All my financial records have spontaneously combusted so I'm going to Leavenworth.
   
5. Maybe there's still something hiding in the hard drive.

So thank goodness for the Geek Squad, who in less than a week managed to retrieve all my lost information and return it to me unharmed, albeit hungry, dirty and frightened, in a nifty external hard drive: my belt. They also recommended I pick up suspenders: a tiny thumb drive about the size of my, uh, thumb.

But then the Geeks strongly insisted -- I mean suggested -- in their inimitable geeky way, that I also back up online because, well you never know if the Midwestern version of Katrina will come along and wipe everything out and then where would I be.

So I signed up with IBackup for a five gigabyte backup, which I hope will be enough, and I executed my first backup last night, and guess how long it took?

An hour? No -- more
Two hours? -- nope
Five hours? -- uh uh

Well, you can stop guessing because I can't even answer the question, since it's been backing up for, let's see now, 21 hours and 39 minutes and it still has 11% to go.

This seems to be the Energizer Bunny of online backups.


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Have You Tried This?

Cake batter ice cream from Coldstone. My son, who with his sister cultivates an annoying habit of choosing ice cream, smoothie and snow cone flavors he thinks I'll hate so he won't have to share with me (usually anything not involving chocolate), tried it yesterday and man! It was G*O*O*D. I come from a family that fights over who gets to lick the bowl containing remnants of any dough or batter, including pancake batter (my brother-in-law once inquired if possibly we'd grown up without a stove since we liked so many things raw), so this was a singular thrill. I've been fantasizing about it all day but next time I'll have to get my own, since I think Robespierre was afraid I might bite him if he didn't continue to share.

Besides, next time I'm pretty sure he'll return to bubble gum or cotton candy.

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It's SOO Hot...

...that some of us find ourselves at a loss for topics of bloggersation, so it's time to check in at the Yahoo! Answer Desk for some remarkably inane questions (and if anyone sees himself or herself here, I'm sorry):

"What football position is best for a small boy?"

How about Spectator?

"Why is phonetics spelt with a ph and not f?"

I love this one!!

"Why not use the X in Xmas for Christ in Christian, XIAN.?"

Well, why the heck not?

"How To become a famous actor?"

Climb up a tree and act like a nut.. no, wait, that's how to attract a squirrel

"When the telephone company gives out numbers do they go in order?"

What, like order of importance?

"Why doesn't water have a flavor?"

It does -- it tastes like chicken

"What are the tiny lumps at the back of my tongue?"

I don't know but I have those too. If you find out, drop me a line.

"I have just found my lost pet hamster in the freezer, it has gone hard and may be dead, what do i do?"

Oh my goodness

"Shud i get this hoodie? its $101.00?"

ummmm -- sure

"Why does Victoria Beckham think she is god when really she is just plain ugly and needs to eat a hamburger?"

hear, hear!

"Did anyone get one of them sony cameras that can see through clothing?"

Okay, that one just scares me

"Is Rory Sabbatini the ugliest man in golf?"

Does that make a difference?

"Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?"

For the same reason you can only get a loan if you don't really need one

"Date a mermaid?"

ummmm

"Does anyone think that Britney Spears latest action is realy an indication of her having a mental problem?"

As opposed to all of her previously rational behavior?

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Fun Mom Points

I'm resigned to my reputation as the unfunnest person in the western hemisphere aside from Dick Cheney. Spontaneity assuredly is not my middle name (I used to aspire for "sartorial splendor" as a middle name, but that didn't work out either. What do you think of "better late than never"? Or perhaps simply "klutz".) Still, I try to be a cool mom, but there's always an ulterior motive: I aspire to accrue sufficient "Fun Mom" points to offset my general aura of stick-in-the-mudness.

For example:

Why does any beverage, even water, seem to taste better when sipped through a straw? And what do I care if they use four straws a day?

What's so darned attractive about food coloring? We've had green eggs, purple milk, pink mashed potatoes...

Did you know you really can fry an egg on the sidewalk if it's hot enough? Takes more than three minutes but there's no hurry because you're not going to eat it anyway.

What's so darned cool about paint? When the kids were small enough to shower together I'd give them paintbrushes and bottles of mushy, goopy paint of indeterminate colors, let them paint each other (in the bathroom of course) and then have them wash it all off in the shower.

More than once we put on raincoats and boots and sloshed every puddle in the street.

The lawn guy has a standing order not to plow our rather steep driveway; after all, when else would we be able to use all-wheel drive?

Fascinated by the plastic one-piece chopsticks we'd found at the children's museum, Robey and Cleo insisted on using them that night to eat their dinner, which happened to be pot pie. To this day pot pie requires chopsticks.

I sure hope they're paying attention.

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If Only...

Wish Miss Puppy were this compliant:

www.idodogtricks.com/index_flash.html

Barry Bonds ...

...ties Hank Aaron's record, hitting his 755th career home run during a game in San Diego. According to Tim Brown, writing for Yahoo! Sports: "[h]e is one home run from owning the record outright, a mark many consider the most sacred in sports, one that Aaron held alone since surpassing Babe Ruth in 1974." Read article here

Hmmmm. "The most sacred [record] in sports..."

I thought that was Ruth's/Maris's season homerun record...

or Gehrig's/Ripken's record for most consecutive games...

or DiMaggio's hitting streak...

Gotta love those sportswriters: masters of subtlety.

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